If you have been reading my previous blog regarding being different, you learned that I knew that in some way I was different but couldn't pinpoint in what way I was different, just that I seemed to have problems socializing with others and some teachers thought I was mentally retarded or even had a serious mental illness such as Schizophrenia. Other classmates ridiculed me and I was considered the class clown in my High School and nobody wanted anything to do with me. In high school I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia by a psychiatrist but I didn't have any delusions or hallucinations but I think there are several different types of Schizophrenia and not all of them included delusions or hallucinations and it seemed to be the best fit since I often daydreamed in class. I discontinued treatment for Schizophrenia because of the expensive medications and the bad side effects from the medications. Seven years later, I had a bout with Depression and was diagnosed with Social Anxiety. This seemed to fit more than Schizophrenia but it also seemed I didn't have fear talking to others and if I did, it seemed to be that I avoided social situations because I was deficient in my social skills more than fearing socializing with people. Sometimes I felt very comfortable socializing with others while other times I either didn't want to socialize with others for some reason or didn't have confidence in socializing since I've had bad experiences in the past where I just couldn't seem to be able to pick up social cues and lacked voice inflection when I talked. As one person put it, I sounded like Mr. Rogers. I would be talking with people and my facial gestures would indicate that I was upset with them when I wasn't upset at all or I seemed disinterested in talking to them. As an example, when I first moved into my current residence and neighborhood, one of my neighbors spoke to me and introduced herself to me and I talked to her. Later I found out from one of the people I live with that this neighbor considered me to be rude and it seemed to her that I didn't want to talk to her and she walked off. I didn't realize that I actually pissed her off! I tried several medications for both depression and anxiety but they just didn't seem to work. I had been diagnosed with all kinds of possible illnesses but none of them seemed to fit me and the treatments for them didn't seem to work. I was starting to think that I had some kind of mental illness that has never been discovered by psychiatrists. After years of therapy where I changed therapists because some moved their practice while others gave up on me, a therapist who I currently see suggested that my problems as I described during my school days and the problems of loneliness and not being able to connect with people could be a sign of an illness that I have never heard of called Aspergers Syndrome. It was first reported in 1944 by a Viennese pediatrician named Dr. Hans Asperger who noticed children who were not Mentally Challenged in that they had normal IQ's (Intelligence Quotients) but had difficulties socializing having troubles understanding and conversing with others and their verbal and non-verbal behaviors were impaired. They also had a tendency to have limited interests that they devoted a lot of intensity into one or more specific interests. They also seemed to have a less mature empathy than children of their age group. This seemed to describe me and finally I had a name for what I am going through. Maybe I didn't have some illness that psychiatrists have never seen before.
At first I was relived that there was finally a name that seems to accurately describe my condition but the bad news, there really isn't a cure and the only treatment for Aspergers is the use of anti-anxiety and anti-depressants that I currently used without any success. I was told that some historical figures such as Albert Einstein may have had Aspergers but this really didn't offer reassurance other than knowing that I may not be the only person with Aspergers and it's possible that famous people such as Einstein may have had what I have but I didn't want to be a social outcast for the rest of my life. I always had a fear that I would be lonely for the rest of my life and now it appears that there is no fix for the poor social skills that have led me to have no friends and be lonely. I most likely will never enjoy the dream that every other adult has of getting married to someone who they love and who loves them. My fears were realized! I really will be living the rest of my life alone and never be loved by a woman or be able to enjoy being with a woman and having a sexual relationship with one. I'll never become a parent, it's like I was put on this earth with no real purpose other than someone to ridicule. Because of my lack of emotions, I've been called "the Beast" (a reference to Satan) by a lot of people especially in high school. It has been hard and I admit that I have considered Suicide. Some people who were diagnosed with Aspergers considered it to be a great experience but in my case, I see it as a curse. I will never be able to understand this. Because of a defect, I am not normal and will never enjoy the normal life that everyone else takes for granted. nearly 100% of people get married but I'm one of the less than 1% who will never marry. I need the love that only a woman can give me but sadly, there simply are no women who would be willing to accept someone who has Aspergers and most of the dates I have been able to find have rejected me after the first date. Aspergers is the worst form of punishment I can think of and I always wonder why the hell was I put on this earth in the first place? Even notorious people such as Hitler, Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and others have enjoyed relationships with women but not me!
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